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04-05-08 07:37
I feel like someone has locked me out of my house and I have no way of getting in.
04-03-08 13:56
"In sooth I know not why I am so sad--
it wearies me you say it wearies you..."

When someone asks me why, I always say those two lines. If they're smart enough, they get it. If they're not, I ask for part of their leg.
04-02-08 15:59
[ blahblahblah will recognize this--but if I have archive things, this won't show, so I'm putting it here.]

If you're going to be a despot with nothing to show for it, just shoot yourself. Waste of cells and space.

Frankly, when I hear people complain about Bush, it gets me upset. I am no fan of Bush--not at all. But to compare him to these dictators is absolute nonsense. He simply doesn't have the power, drive or ambition to ruin this country utterly and completely. We will never know the kind of ruin experienced in places like 19th and early 20th century Ireland, the wreckage of African/South/South East Asian/East Asian/Central-South American post-colonial political regimes. People like Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Kim Jong Il, the Maoist motherfuckers from Nepal who overthrew King Gajendra and his stupid cronies...

We can actually afford to lose 3 trillion dollars and as a result have minor protests and the press grumbling about it. I don't see a potential government overthrow because frankly we're wealthy and able enough to absorb the cost of the problem. And when Bush is gone, hopefully, we can see reversals of this issue so that very essential programs finally have funding to get underway. But to be in a position like we are in now and compare our government to despotic ones is sad and is a practice that should be discouraged. Not because we have any kind of moral high-ground, but we are cheapening the efforts, struggles and lessons that we gain from others' community efforts if we belittle our own societies.

(I mean to say that I am no great fan of Bush, but we elected him and we have to dissent in ways that are legal and peaceful when we make our opinions known. And we do, for the most part, have faith in our political processes.)
04-01-08 20:56
I don't mind activism as long as people are prepared to actually sweat for something. All this "soft" activism--in terms of raising money and wearing the appropriate shirts/attending the rallies is pointless. To a certain degree, it brings that attention of problems to the government, but I believe that in order to truly experience activism you've got to get your hands dirty and people don't like ambiguity and actually facing the problems. Once these people can shit in public on railroad tracks for their cause and not be squeamish then maybe I might listen to what they have to say. Or can see people who've survived atrocity of having to simply live lives in their place of origin and see how they have to live... it's done some demented things to people. It's dehumanizing.

Rapes, murders and all of those things are very shocking and make for good television, but simply living hopeless and depressing lives happens to be just as bad and kills many more people. Tell me one attractive thing a college student finds in a cause that improves the overall quality of life. It's not as attractive--there's no real quick fix.

(To deprive someone of their right to be human is something I've only observed this last time around, and it was not just in the villages too, but among my relatives.)
03-31-08 13:00
Stagnant--can't move--paralyzed.

Wendy's Frosties give me brain freeze but they're my new obsession now. As is stregare.

My friend Sue recently started going out with this guy named G--and she was telling her mother on the phone, while G was there, that she really missed having jackfruit. So G goes back to MD, where his folks live, and asks his mother where he can get jackfruit for her. He ends up buying her durian, which looks very similar except tastes much, much different. I thought that that was really, really cute.

I have started keeping a sketch diary. Written sketches--that is--of prose. Hopefully if I work on it every day, it'll help.

I can't wait until it's five and I can run over to 360s and get me some stregare.
03-30-08 08:17
[technically, this is doubleposting, but I want to have it here, too.]

The last song Afreen sang was her own composition--it was something she wrote in Delhi, according to yet another interview she held in front of a video camera, a shaky focus creating the illusion of wrinkles on her as-yet unlined face. She sat on a stone terrace, the shaky skyline of Hyderabad baking in the dry heat. Her arms were taut, gripping the chair as if struggling to stay seated. Those veins were clear enough to draw blood from, blue against luminescent skin.

"Five hundred years ago," she said, "it was not that different." She shook with the camera. The question afterward was muffled but she laughed, again pressing the shakiness against the back of her hand.

"I would have been going from king to king," she said. "Now if a man has enough money he can have a court!" More laughter behind the camera.

And--responding to the silent follow up question, she said-- "I was only joking a little." Somewhere below, a bus blasted its dying horn into the narrow gulley behind them. "We have a price--no matter how phenomenal we sound."

03-30-08 07:13
I should have written something in here yesterday, but I'm pretty retarded, it seems, when it comes to posting multiple places regularly.

I hope to make a killer au-gratin today, except the Indian perception of au-gratin is much different than what my friends seem to think is au-gratin and the Indian way was the way I was raised to make it. Old Tarla Dalal seems to agree with me, so I suppose the dish has culinary merit.

Anyway, I have to compose a cello duet. I have a headache. I don't know how they expect me to do anything. All I end up doing is dragging things and eating out my weekend. I'm not going to be making the story quarterly deadline like I'd hoped. My life is way too full of idiots and their programs.
03-28-08 14:45
Bright lights, all the sights and a can full of red paint. Who wouldn't want to be me?
03-27-08 16:02
Opening up is very, very hard to do. In a funny way, I'm actually proud of myself.
03-27-08 12:13
I'm one of those people who has many more nightmares than dreams. My nightmares are violent, mostly. I've dreamt entire acts of genocide, gang rape, and brutal killings before I even knew what I was seeing.

I swear I'm no crackpot.

It usually takes me an hour to recover after I've woken up.

As a matter of fact, I usually crash cars in my dreams to the point where I can mangle entire forests and cities. I am not a violent person. I abhor it, and yet I dream about it all the time.

I dream bad news before it happens. Not of the grand scale variety, but I'll dream about someone getting killed, and a week later, there's something eerily similar. I accept it as coincidence, I don't accept that I'm psychic or anything like that.

Rather, I am so upset that my subconscious can see/process all the grotesque, horrible and awful better than I can when I'm awake.
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